when love feels like an old testament-style punishment
funny little thoughts i've been having recently
with all of my heavy heart, i promise that i've tried to bury you. It is better to not be loved at all than to be loved by me, consumed greedily by fire, drowning mercilessly in the bog. it is better for me to immolate myself with no witnesses, with no patron saint to invoke. what must i make of myself when i have no foot in this world? the very world that you belong so wholeheartedly in.
oscar wilde once said that "where there is sorrow there is holy ground," but through all my prayers and supplications i guarantee this: love is not the purifying force we believe it to be. my love is violence— my love is the Morning Star, burning brighter than all the rest. my love is Wormwood, my love is bitter and unpalatable. it is the knife that sacrifices the goat, it is the chalice that fills itself with virginal blood. Despite its esoteric power, its sheer transcendence, it cannot reach you.
through the lycorises i wade, trail of fresh red by the river to the afterlife. begging to be reborn, a pale hand crowns me in chrysanthemums... yet, i see you, long-since-dead, frail hand extending out to nothing. Extending out to me. what tenderness is borne from your Hand, yet it is not the tenderness i seek.
our namesake desires finality, our namesake seeks to consume, our namesake is death. It is better to not be loved at all than to be loved by me, it is better for me to sing my funeral hymns now, preparing for a funeral that is yet to occur. Uncertainty is a death within itself, and i must lay myself in the earth before it can overtake me. at least in this way, from my rotted and bloated flesh, violets may grow. Violets for you, violets that have grown from a love that would never be.
just realized this is second time i quoted the same wilde quote. I just like it
this feels like a testament to yearning, and yet you captured the essence of all the highs and lows to a love that is more devotion and so, so lonely. i love this so much